He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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