Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
