i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
