My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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