Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
