so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
