My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
