so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
