I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Randomize
