just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
