Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
