i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
