During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My breasts were aching with rage.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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