i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
