you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
