We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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