I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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