Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
