I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize