Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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