It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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