Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
