i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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