I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
