im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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