If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
