hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you traded sex for a burrito?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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