I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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