Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
This gyro tastes like lonliness
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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