On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
