somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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