she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he was CRYING into my vagina
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
