he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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