Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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