Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
