i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
