i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Randomize