so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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