the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
