2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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