I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
