is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
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