Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
