Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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