Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
