so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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