Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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