I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I skipped work to stalk him.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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