my phone needs a breathalizer
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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