Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
