I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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