Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
