im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
