Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
