i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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