I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
