New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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