just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
