We won't sleep together?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
