Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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