I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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