guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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