I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
