he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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